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Surviving Your Divorce
from: Allyson BrandyAn amicable divorce - what is that? We can remain friends even
though our relationship didn't work out. Yeah, right!
When you are getting a divorce, it may seem impossible to
envision a future where you will become friends with your
ex-spouse. So many issues which led to your separation and
dissolution of marriage are still too fresh. The problems which
separated you remain on the table, complete with all the things
you fought over and the feelings that go along with all that
unresolved anger.
It might not seem possible for you to imagine that at the end of
your relationship, there might be something salvageable, let
alone a full blown friendship. If there are children involved,
that only complicates an already strained connection. Yet,
depending on where you are in the divorce process, you can
advocate for yourself while maintaining an open door for future
friendship. Sound impossible?
Some simple ground rules to see you through. Keeping the
following ground rules in mind when dealing with the situation
will either make this possible or impossible. Allowing you to
work towards a friendship when it is comfortable for the both of
you, rest assured, if handled correctly that time will come to
pass.
Maintain your dignity at all times No matter what is going on
you must always maintain a sense of dignity and respect for your
partner and yourself during your negotiations. Work through your
lawyer whenever possible. They are your impartial conduit to
keep things civil and professional. If you do find yourself
dealing directly with your spouse, work to keep emotion out of
your interactions. That may sound extraordinarily hard when
you're in the thick of things, but for a smooth transition and
future relationship, it is imperative to stay as cool and
collected as possible. It may also mean leaving the negotiations
for a later time.
Know when to leave the room. You have to know when to leave and
geographically remove yourself from a situation spiraling out of
control. It is very easy to get caught up in finger pointing and
accusations. If you find yourself losing your cool or becoming
emotional, stop, take a deep breath and say just that - you need
to end the conversation. Some parts of a divorce will always be
too painful and difficult for you to solve face-to-face. Avoid
the pitfall of playing superhero. Recognize that you and your
spouse are extremely vulnerable during this period. A good
lawyer or mediator can help greatly in these circumstances.
Be willing to compromise where possible. Take it point-by-point.
Remember, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. A
marriage is like an elephant and its dissolution can only be
successfully accomplished one point at a time. However you feel
the assets should be divided, it is important to understand that
for each of you, some things are more important than others. If
it's not important to you, don't sweat the small stuff.
You can't keep everything For example, it may be important to
you that any heirloom items passed down from your family remain
with you, and it may be equally important to your spouse to keep
his or her retirement benefits for intact. Your lawyer will be
able help you evaluate the financial implications of decisions
and choices in as fair and impartial way as possible. If you
fight over everything, nothing will be accomplished and you will
both lose. Bitter feelings will remain, and any chance for
future camaraderie will be unworkable.
Understanding what is most important to your spouse and being
willing to compromise or concede to those things may make your
spouse more than willing to do the same for you.
Realize that your lives will now be separate Any new interests
your spouse has with other people or things are no longer part
of your life, unless you are invited in. This works both ways.
This is where mutual respect comes into play. What this means is
that you and your spouse will be moving on, spending time with
new people and eventually dating.
Avoid being judgmental A sure-fire way to kill off the
possibility of a friendship is for you to be judgmental of the
new people in your spouse's life. Becoming overly friendly or
involved with these new people can also have the same effect.
Your lives are separate and you must get on with rebuilding a
life detached from your spouse's world, just like the two of you
built a life together. Know your place, and let your ex-spouse
know if your own boundaries are being overstepped.
Know when to say nothing. One of the most important things to
remember is to know when to keep your mouth shut. We were taught
that if you don't have something nice to say about somebody,
don't say anything. This adage is never so important as during
and after a divorce. School yourself from speaking negatively
about your ex-spouse especially around your common friends. This
can be difficult, as there seems to be a natural curiosity from
friends to delve into the reasons for your separation.
How-To Avoid Prying Questions They may ask prying questions and
look for blame. It easy to fall into the trap of it was your
ex-spouses fault. Reach for a general response which casts no
blame and ends the conversation so that you can move on to
what's really happening in your life now. Phrases like, "we just
grew apart" or "the divorce was a positive step for both of us"
can sometimes help to keep the questions at bay.
Present yourself as confident and happy Remember you do not have
to answer a question just because it is asked, especially if it
is personal. Your reasons for your divorce are your own
business, and it is your choice as to how much you wish to share.
Keeping your spouse as a friend may seem impossible now, but by
following the suggestions above you will have created the
possibility of amicability in the years to come.
About the author:
Allyson Brandy is a writer, breast cancer survivor and science
fiction fan with a slightly skewed, amused perspective of the
world. Read some of her other articles at:
http://www.writingbuzz.com
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